Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Home Sick – My Daughter Tries to Kill Me

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009

Feel like crap, fever, coughing, headache. And my daughter sends me this link: Greg Rutter’s Definitive List of The 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On The Internet Unless You’re a Loser or Old or Something.

It hurts to laugh, but I can see how the rest of my morning will be going . . .

SUNDAY SHOCKER – Squitiro Taking Over as Chiefs Head Coach

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

On the Sunday before the Super Bowl, new Chiefs General Manager Scott Pioli shook up City Hall and Arrowhead Stadium by announcing that Gloria Squitiro will be replacing Herm Edwards as Head Coach of the Chiefs, effective immediately. “Squitiro knows how to make things happen in Kansas City,” Pioli explained, “and she’s not welcome at her first choice of workspaces, so I thought we should let her try her hand at coaching a football team.”

Ed Ford, of course, was the first to criticize. “She has no experience!”, he shouted from the back of the room, where nobody had been paying attention to him. Pioli replied that Herm Edwards had plenty of experience, and “look where that got us.” Clark Hunt chimed in that Ed Ford really ought to spend at least a little time doing something other than attacking the Mayor and his wife, but Ed Ford shook off the suggestion. “I paid Pat Gray good money to conduct a ‘push poll’, and I want my money’s worth. If I don’t have Gloria to attack at City Hall, somebody might start asking why I haven’t accomplished anything.”

The traditional media were in a state of shock. Steve Kraske and Deanne Smith were seen sadly handing over thick files to Jason Whitlock and Joe Posnanski, and CJ Janovy was rumored to be in despair. “Squitiro was Janovy’s muse. CJ managed to create a cover story out of nothing but snark and Photoshop,” a source from within the very quiet Pitch newsroom whispered. “I gotta go and empty the trash now.”

In her first address to the team, Squitiro was clearly relaxed and in her element. “You big lugs,” she shouted, “you’ve probably heard a lot about me. Most of it’s not true, but losers like to talk. I like to get results. If I took a funny-looking, dour accountant and ran a campaign that made him Mayor, it will be easy to take a 2-14 group of losers like you to the Super Bowl. Alvin Brooks was a helluva lot tougher to beat than the San Diego Chargers, I tell ya. From now on, we’re wearing orange!”, she shouted, and then murmured, “and I’ll be attending your team physicals, too.” The players squirmed a little upon hearing that.

One of the Chiefs players, speaking under condition of anonymity, seemed pretty pleased with the choice. “Sure, she hasn’t coached before, but she never worked in a Mayor’s office before, either. She’s smart, aggressive, and not afraid to say what’s on her mind. I think she might fit into the NFL even better than she did City Hall.”

Brandon Clark, a skycap at the Kansas City Airport, was enthusiastic about Squitiro’s new role. “I’ve seen her stand up for herself when she thought the officiating was questionable, and she will dominate the sidelines.”

Contacted at her Northland home, Frances Semler remained bitter about her experience with the City. “I just hope she takes a hard look at that Gonzalez guy!” she shouted, before slamming the door on a reporter.

Clark Hunt seemed especially thrilled with the salary negotiations. “She works for free!”, he exclaimed. “That frees up lots of money to spend on draft picks. And I think she might be able to convince Funk that city support for the Jackson County Sports Complex should keep on flowing. Can’t get much further East Side in Kansas City than Arrowhead Stadium, so keep that money flowing.”

Jan Marcason expressed frustration that Squitiro had circumvented her anti-Volunteer Ordinance. “Volunteers are bad people,” she complained. “We need to find a way to regulate everyone who works for free in this city, especially Gloria Squitiro. Ed Ford suggested in one of those famous backroom meetings that I should have named my ordinance the anti-Gloria ordinance, and included a provision that told her to stay in her house at all times, but I didn’t listen to him because I wanted to make it look like I was spending time on something that wasn’t so mean-spirited and foolish. I guess he was right. Mean-spirited and foolish isn’t really unusual on this Council.”

Mayor Mark Funkhouser seemed happy with the turn of events. “I’ll be spending most of my office hours at Arrowhead Stadium now, rather than my house in Brookside. It’s more convenient for the residents of the East Side, and I’ll be holding Town Hall meetings at the Stadium on a weekly basis.”

Wayne Cauthen was unavailable for comment on the news. He was busy negotiating with Cordish to give them the parking concession for Arrowhead, in exchange for a handful of promises.

“This is a great time for the Kansas City Chiefs franchise,” Scott Pioli gushed. “Gloria Squitiro has watched her husband try to lead 12 Council members at a time, and he’s made some great plays, like the New Tools initiative, a better budget and an economic development policy, and he’s made a few bad calls, too. Like a football coach, he has done it by empowering the members of the Council to make the right plays. Now, Gloria gets to try to manage 11 players on the field at a time, and accomplish her goals through them. It ought to come easy to her. She can trade the ones that aren’t doing their jobs, but Funk doesn’t get to do that.”

(UPDATE!: I received a gentle and good-natured email from the fine folks over at FuKCed City, who pointed out that this post bears more than a passing similarity to their post of a little more than a month ago entitled “BREAKING NEWS: One Arrowhead Shocker!” and reporting that Gloria Squitiro was becoming the team’s General Manager. All I can say is if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, they should feel incredibly flattered. I can’t even deny that I read the piece when it was posted – I read all their posts, because they’re great. It must have stuck in the back of my mind, and come out in a more wordy and less original form. My apologies to the crew over at FuKCed City, and, if you haven’t bookmarked them yet, add them to your list of regular reads.)

Put Gitmo in KCMO – Budget Problems solved!

Saturday, January 24th, 2009

“Intelligent, well-intentioned” Kansas Citians (and the rest of us, too) are facing an $85 million collar budgetary shortfall in the upcoming year. Meanwhile, the Obama administration is trying to close down the Guantanamo Bay prison, and relocate the prisoners. Also meanwhile, the County and City are in talks about merging their prison, but wondering where they will find the money.

Does it really take an apparently unintelligent, poorly-intentioned person like me to tie this all together?

Bring the terrorists to Kansas City! Get federal dollars to build a brand-spanking new prison facility in Swope Park to house everyone from hardened terrorists to housing code scofflaws. This project would have access to the kind of black-budget, military/industrial complex dollars that would make Halliburton executives twitchy. I’m talking big time stuff. Obama has made a global promise to close Gitmo, so we have him over a barrel. Money will not be an object. Dare to dream.

After construction, we have the benefit of long-term, high-paying jobs. How long is the “Global War on Terror” going to last? Given that terrorism, the enemy, has been with us for countless generations, I think we would be wise to anchor our economy on an industry that has even more staying power than greeting cards and pick-up trucks. Flocks of the nation’s best and most highly-trained prison guards and, umm, “inquisitors” (think Jack Bauer) would relocate to Kansas City. Our paltry $85 million shortfall would disappear quicker than the permanent Republican majority.

Think about the spin-off effects. Hundreds of hard-core, bad-ass prison guards living around Swope Park. Do you really think that the Kansas City gangs will survive the influx of new residents accustomed to dealing with al-Qaeda? Our penny-ante “tough guys” will flee the city when they realize they have zero street cred in a city that houses the big time.

Some may be wondering why I suggested placing the facility in Swope Park. Of course, the focus on east side development is a part of it, but there’s an even better reason. The Zoo.

We have a facility already build that is designed to keep lions, tigers, kangaroos, gorillas and even birds caged in. It would be the perfect Prison Yard, and finally generate the kind of visitor traffic the thing needs to survive. (Technically, putting prisoners on display violates the Geneva Conventions, but, in the face of an economic meltdown for Kansas City, I see what Alberto Gonzales meant when he called the conventions “quaint”, and, really, putting the prisoners on display will prevent them from being tortured. Isn’t displaying them the lesser of two evils? Especially when you figure in the tourist dollars?)

I know, I know, that some wimps are going to whine that having such dangerous people in our fair city is dangerous. Already, the Senators of Kansas and California are whining about how terrible it would be to put the alleged terrorists in their midst.

Gutless NIMBY punks. Missourians are made of sterner stuff.

Even if we weren’t, we’re pretty well situated to remain safe from terrorist prison breaks. They can’t get to us by sea. If they want to come by air, they have to fly over hundreds or thousands of miles of our air space, and we have Whiteman Air Force Base practically next door to scramble the jets. If they come by land, Missouri is situated so they have to go through multiple states’ jurisdictions to get to us, so countless jurisdictions will get a crack at them before they even get here. Go ahead and take a look at the 8 states that border us. While I abhor the thought of racial profiling, do you really think that terrorists from Wherever-istan aren’t going to stand out on their road trip here? Especially if they raise suspicions by eschewing McRib sandwiches on their highway stops?

It’s crunch time for Kansas City, and innovative solutions are necessary. Even if Yael Abouhalkah does not list me among the intelligent and well-intentioned citizens of Kansas City, I’m determined to do my best.

Put the Gitmo in KCMO!

Wizards Holding Open Tryouts

Friday, December 5th, 2008

It’s the stuff of dreams.

Last spring, two amateurs showed up at Swope Park for open tryouts with the Kansas City Wizards, and made the team. By the season’s end, one of them was a starter.

Tryouts this year are March 7-8. If you want to give it a shot, sign up here. But don’t underestimate that middle-aged guy playing midfield. I may be uncoordinated, but I am deceptively slow . . .

Free Political Advice Pays Off

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

Back in August, I was the first to sound the warning that Beth Low’s seat in Missouri’s General Assembly was in danger. Thanks to my sage advice, she started up a web page and managed to prevail in an 83-17% nail-biter.

Vincent Gauthier Can Kiss My Fine White . . .

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008


I’ve only met the guy once or twice, and everyone says he’s a great guy, but Monday’s post on the Pitch’s Plog convinced me that he may be the source of the type of small-minded fashion intolerance that has dogged my days ever since my mother arbitrarily told me I couldn’t wear striped shirts with plaid shorts.

Here’s the part of the posting that torqued my tidy whities –

It was at this point that Gauthier blew my mind – he made me aware of a style faux pas that I’d never even thought to be annoyed by. “I don’t like when guys wear polo shirts unbuttoned so their white t-shirts show underneath,” he said. “That’s why you wear v-necks – so it doesn’t show.” He pulled down the collar of his shirt to show the v-neck artfully hidden underneath.

Gauthier bet me a beer that the guy with his back to us in a neighboring booth was committing the visible-undershirt sin. Sure enough, he was, and after a quick glance around Bo Ling’s we counted half a dozen more men with the same issue. Great. Now I owe Gauthier a beer and I have a new grievance with menswear.


Who says I can’t wear regular t-shirts under polo shirts?!?!?

I can tell you right now, I’m not going to run out and buy a whole new set of t-shirts just so Vincent Gauthier and Nadia Pflaum aren’t offended by the glaring white of the top of my t-shirt. Uh-uh, not gonna happen.

And, from the sounds of things at Bo-Ling’s that day, the vast majority of men agree with me on this. Let’s stick together on this, guys – we can nip this one in the bud if none of us starts buckling to this freshly-minted attempt to tell us what to wear.

Today, the Gauthier Rule on t-shirts is only a personal quirk, with no force to make us conform. Already, it’s gained one proponent, in the form of a Pitch writer who runs around town taking pictures of people because of their “sense of style”. It could spread easily – those of us with daughters know that middle-aged guys are presumed guilty of fashion faux pas.

Why I Blog

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008

Because skateboarding is not an option . . . – Watch more free videos