Bike with Emotional Baggage

I happened upon the following Craigslist entry a few moments ago, while looking for stuff to trick out the new used bike I bought off Craigslist last week. (In the spirit of all hobbies, I have already spent more on stuff related to my bike than I spent on the bike itself. Shhh, don’t tell my wife.)

Without further ado, here’s the advertisement/story:

I have a 2009 Giant Cypress Men’s Bicycle for sale.

My dad bought this bicycle new during his midlife crisis in 2009. He rode it three times. After divorcing my mom and moving into a downtown condo with his 28-year-old Korean girlfriend, he called me last fall and asked me to come get some stuff from my childhood he didn’t want to store anymore. I met his girlfriend for the first time at his storage unit. She referred to my dad as “sweet-ass,” told me she’d make a great step mom, and called me “son.” She was four years old when I was born.

After I had loaded up boxes of crumpled and hastily boxed report cards, spelling bee trophies and photo albums, she asked if I’d be interested in taking the bike, too. She said there was no room for it in their new “pad,” and that he gets “plenty of exercise” with her anyway. I rode the bike twice, but it spent the rest of the fall and winter 2010-2011 stored in my apartment. I am moving to Saint Louis in two months and would rather not take the bike with me when I go. I thought throwing it off the Paseo Bridge would be therapeutic, but I hear they write tickets for that, so I’m selling it. This is where you come in.

For what it’s worth, it’s a great bike. It has an Aluxx 6061 size-17 blue-grey aluminum frame, 29″ wheels, 21 speeds, and the seat and front wheel easily detach for storage and/or transport. I also have a helmet and portable tire pump that are yours if you buy the bike. Use Velcro strips to secure the tire pump to the bike frame, and you’re good to go.

In buying this bicycle from me, you’re not only getting a great eco-friendly mode of transportation. You’re also freeing me of this symbol of my parents’ failed marriage. I can only speak from personal observation, here, but it seems as though owning this bike makes you irresistible to 28-year-old Korean women. So, if that’s what you’re after, shoot me an email and help this college senior and his boyfriend get the money for season passes to Six Flags. Please take the necessary precautions in your response so that I don’t think you’re a robot or an orphaned Nigerian prince, because I won’t reply to you. I know Nigeria is a republic.

No checks. Sorry, but I think I’ve been through enough with this bike already.

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