SUNDAY SHOCKER – Squitiro Taking Over as Chiefs Head Coach

On the Sunday before the Super Bowl, new Chiefs General Manager Scott Pioli shook up City Hall and Arrowhead Stadium by announcing that Gloria Squitiro will be replacing Herm Edwards as Head Coach of the Chiefs, effective immediately. “Squitiro knows how to make things happen in Kansas City,” Pioli explained, “and she’s not welcome at her first choice of workspaces, so I thought we should let her try her hand at coaching a football team.”

Ed Ford, of course, was the first to criticize. “She has no experience!”, he shouted from the back of the room, where nobody had been paying attention to him. Pioli replied that Herm Edwards had plenty of experience, and “look where that got us.” Clark Hunt chimed in that Ed Ford really ought to spend at least a little time doing something other than attacking the Mayor and his wife, but Ed Ford shook off the suggestion. “I paid Pat Gray good money to conduct a ‘push poll’, and I want my money’s worth. If I don’t have Gloria to attack at City Hall, somebody might start asking why I haven’t accomplished anything.”

The traditional media were in a state of shock. Steve Kraske and Deanne Smith were seen sadly handing over thick files to Jason Whitlock and Joe Posnanski, and CJ Janovy was rumored to be in despair. “Squitiro was Janovy’s muse. CJ managed to create a cover story out of nothing but snark and Photoshop,” a source from within the very quiet Pitch newsroom whispered. “I gotta go and empty the trash now.”

In her first address to the team, Squitiro was clearly relaxed and in her element. “You big lugs,” she shouted, “you’ve probably heard a lot about me. Most of it’s not true, but losers like to talk. I like to get results. If I took a funny-looking, dour accountant and ran a campaign that made him Mayor, it will be easy to take a 2-14 group of losers like you to the Super Bowl. Alvin Brooks was a helluva lot tougher to beat than the San Diego Chargers, I tell ya. From now on, we’re wearing orange!”, she shouted, and then murmured, “and I’ll be attending your team physicals, too.” The players squirmed a little upon hearing that.

One of the Chiefs players, speaking under condition of anonymity, seemed pretty pleased with the choice. “Sure, she hasn’t coached before, but she never worked in a Mayor’s office before, either. She’s smart, aggressive, and not afraid to say what’s on her mind. I think she might fit into the NFL even better than she did City Hall.”

Brandon Clark, a skycap at the Kansas City Airport, was enthusiastic about Squitiro’s new role. “I’ve seen her stand up for herself when she thought the officiating was questionable, and she will dominate the sidelines.”

Contacted at her Northland home, Frances Semler remained bitter about her experience with the City. “I just hope she takes a hard look at that Gonzalez guy!” she shouted, before slamming the door on a reporter.

Clark Hunt seemed especially thrilled with the salary negotiations. “She works for free!”, he exclaimed. “That frees up lots of money to spend on draft picks. And I think she might be able to convince Funk that city support for the Jackson County Sports Complex should keep on flowing. Can’t get much further East Side in Kansas City than Arrowhead Stadium, so keep that money flowing.”

Jan Marcason expressed frustration that Squitiro had circumvented her anti-Volunteer Ordinance. “Volunteers are bad people,” she complained. “We need to find a way to regulate everyone who works for free in this city, especially Gloria Squitiro. Ed Ford suggested in one of those famous backroom meetings that I should have named my ordinance the anti-Gloria ordinance, and included a provision that told her to stay in her house at all times, but I didn’t listen to him because I wanted to make it look like I was spending time on something that wasn’t so mean-spirited and foolish. I guess he was right. Mean-spirited and foolish isn’t really unusual on this Council.”

Mayor Mark Funkhouser seemed happy with the turn of events. “I’ll be spending most of my office hours at Arrowhead Stadium now, rather than my house in Brookside. It’s more convenient for the residents of the East Side, and I’ll be holding Town Hall meetings at the Stadium on a weekly basis.”

Wayne Cauthen was unavailable for comment on the news. He was busy negotiating with Cordish to give them the parking concession for Arrowhead, in exchange for a handful of promises.

“This is a great time for the Kansas City Chiefs franchise,” Scott Pioli gushed. “Gloria Squitiro has watched her husband try to lead 12 Council members at a time, and he’s made some great plays, like the New Tools initiative, a better budget and an economic development policy, and he’s made a few bad calls, too. Like a football coach, he has done it by empowering the members of the Council to make the right plays. Now, Gloria gets to try to manage 11 players on the field at a time, and accomplish her goals through them. It ought to come easy to her. She can trade the ones that aren’t doing their jobs, but Funk doesn’t get to do that.”

(UPDATE!: I received a gentle and good-natured email from the fine folks over at FuKCed City, who pointed out that this post bears more than a passing similarity to their post of a little more than a month ago entitled “BREAKING NEWS: One Arrowhead Shocker!” and reporting that Gloria Squitiro was becoming the team’s General Manager. All I can say is if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, they should feel incredibly flattered. I can’t even deny that I read the piece when it was posted – I read all their posts, because they’re great. It must have stuck in the back of my mind, and come out in a more wordy and less original form. My apologies to the crew over at FuKCed City, and, if you haven’t bookmarked them yet, add them to your list of regular reads.)

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