Put Gitmo in KCMO – Budget Problems solved!

“Intelligent, well-intentioned” Kansas Citians (and the rest of us, too) are facing an $85 million collar budgetary shortfall in the upcoming year. Meanwhile, the Obama administration is trying to close down the Guantanamo Bay prison, and relocate the prisoners. Also meanwhile, the County and City are in talks about merging their prison, but wondering where they will find the money.

Does it really take an apparently unintelligent, poorly-intentioned person like me to tie this all together?

Bring the terrorists to Kansas City! Get federal dollars to build a brand-spanking new prison facility in Swope Park to house everyone from hardened terrorists to housing code scofflaws. This project would have access to the kind of black-budget, military/industrial complex dollars that would make Halliburton executives twitchy. I’m talking big time stuff. Obama has made a global promise to close Gitmo, so we have him over a barrel. Money will not be an object. Dare to dream.

After construction, we have the benefit of long-term, high-paying jobs. How long is the “Global War on Terror” going to last? Given that terrorism, the enemy, has been with us for countless generations, I think we would be wise to anchor our economy on an industry that has even more staying power than greeting cards and pick-up trucks. Flocks of the nation’s best and most highly-trained prison guards and, umm, “inquisitors” (think Jack Bauer) would relocate to Kansas City. Our paltry $85 million shortfall would disappear quicker than the permanent Republican majority.

Think about the spin-off effects. Hundreds of hard-core, bad-ass prison guards living around Swope Park. Do you really think that the Kansas City gangs will survive the influx of new residents accustomed to dealing with al-Qaeda? Our penny-ante “tough guys” will flee the city when they realize they have zero street cred in a city that houses the big time.

Some may be wondering why I suggested placing the facility in Swope Park. Of course, the focus on east side development is a part of it, but there’s an even better reason. The Zoo.

We have a facility already build that is designed to keep lions, tigers, kangaroos, gorillas and even birds caged in. It would be the perfect Prison Yard, and finally generate the kind of visitor traffic the thing needs to survive. (Technically, putting prisoners on display violates the Geneva Conventions, but, in the face of an economic meltdown for Kansas City, I see what Alberto Gonzales meant when he called the conventions “quaint”, and, really, putting the prisoners on display will prevent them from being tortured. Isn’t displaying them the lesser of two evils? Especially when you figure in the tourist dollars?)

I know, I know, that some wimps are going to whine that having such dangerous people in our fair city is dangerous. Already, the Senators of Kansas and California are whining about how terrible it would be to put the alleged terrorists in their midst.

Gutless NIMBY punks. Missourians are made of sterner stuff.

Even if we weren’t, we’re pretty well situated to remain safe from terrorist prison breaks. They can’t get to us by sea. If they want to come by air, they have to fly over hundreds or thousands of miles of our air space, and we have Whiteman Air Force Base practically next door to scramble the jets. If they come by land, Missouri is situated so they have to go through multiple states’ jurisdictions to get to us, so countless jurisdictions will get a crack at them before they even get here. Go ahead and take a look at the 8 states that border us. While I abhor the thought of racial profiling, do you really think that terrorists from Wherever-istan aren’t going to stand out on their road trip here? Especially if they raise suspicions by eschewing McRib sandwiches on their highway stops?

It’s crunch time for Kansas City, and innovative solutions are necessary. Even if Yael Abouhalkah does not list me among the intelligent and well-intentioned citizens of Kansas City, I’m determined to do my best.

Put the Gitmo in KCMO!

Leave a Reply